An open letter to my lost Brother

I can’t help but remember your innocent smile full of hopes and dreams, framed by those wire-rimmed glasses that reflected the brightness in your eyes…

A young man fast growing up from things that just didn’t seem real

Living a story that hurts so much that you didn’t want to feel

And that story has written too many many chapters without you holding the pen

All while struggling on and wondering “When is this going to end?”

Living scar tissue born as a result of choice

I look at you now, your vacant stare and soft-spoken voice

The lies you’ve spun to feed your infatuation, your escape from self-hatred in this candy-coated world driven by technology and appearance

I know you are still there inside

And I know we all go through things in life that are not expected or planned

I just wish I could’ve somehow helped you take a stand

Time flew so fast and my eyes flutter through memories, from our conversations and lingering idly in staircases

Until adulthood swept us away in different directions, down different paths

Somehow smiling as we journeyed lost in a world that wanted us to feel its wrath

I never meant to leave you in this journey, little brother.

It hurts to know that you are out there now, more lost than ever, and I just want us to wake up so we can continue growing together

It hurts to know that you are buried below something that you are so above

I just want to reach through and pull you back with love

Let me be there for you

I wish you could love yourself the way I do

You could cut ties from all the escapes you’ve thrown yourself into

Somehow I feel as if I would’ve been there from the start, I could have taken you under my wing

My brother, we would have never fallen apart

Is this what you want for yourself?

An empty life of tears and self-hatred? Of pity and fear?

And I sit and wonder, “Are you so far gone that your memory is all I have left?”

The memory of you achieving all you have hoped for, for so long?

Your smiles as we discussed life over lunch?

Laughs while we spoke of boys and fashion, music and art and troublesome times that were all too simple…

Where have you gone?

I push forward in my own plight, somehow using you as a drive in my own life

Somehow hoping that my own endeavors and successes will bring you yours, too

But they wont.

They wont help you with your own demons, fighting your own battles, raging your own wars…

But I have not given up on the stars in the sky that represent each and every one of your dreams.

A symphony plays time

Tears fall from my eyes

My worry creates an uncertainty within me that I just don’t like

A reflection of myself, I see in you

I have not given up on your human life.

I have not given up on you, little brother.

It’s a beautiful world outside those walls, little brother.

Don’t hold yourself down.

Please forgive yourself.

You are still here…

and when you realize this,

I will be here too,

waiting

for you…

-RESILIENCEjoa [March 30, 2011 6:46pm]